I keep wondering how I'm going to put into words the way that I feel about my attempt to change my ways this Ramadan. It's not easy to admit the shameful truth that I've realised I need to do a lot to transform myself and truly move away from consumerism and towards community, sharing and simplicity.
All thanks to God I have benefited from Ramadan as a time to reconnect with a childlike dependence upon God and with a strong desire to please Him. However, I have also seen how much my immature desires to buy things and to have things have taken precedence in my decisions even when I've consciously tried to move away from consumerism. For example, for Eid I chose to move towards community, sharing and simplicity within my household with a shared Eid present for my children, made from sustainably managed wood. But why didn't I move away from consumerism and choose a family activity or trip?
I have become aware of how strong my desire is to cling to my consumer habits and I find it ugly. I feel tempted to ignore my knowledge of it. As if that will make it go away. I'm surely going to have to be more mature than that if I'm going to really move towards simplicity, sharing and community! It's not easy to look ahead to a journey of failures. To transform I'm going to have to try and to fail and to keep trying, time and time again, God willing.
I'm so tempted to conclude this neatly. But since that satisfaction may well lead me to round off my thoughts impatiently and make immature intentions, I'll just stop writing and keeping thinking, God willing.